"Be somebody who makes someone else feel like somebody".
To me this quote perfectly embodies the concept of likeability
Think about a moment when someone said or did something to you that made you feel wanted, loved, valued or needed. How wonderful is that thought?
I'm convinced that everyone wants to be liked and truly makes an effort to be likeable.
It's amazing how the act of doing something for yourself (being likeable) actually reaches out to someone who themselves may be doubting their own likeability. It helps them feel validated. The human psyche is actually dependent on this. Everyone seeks validation. Expressed or not, attention is what motivates us to take the next step.
Being likeable is honestly much more complex than you give it credit for. It takes a certain amount of conscious effort. It's the choice of being 'the crowd' versus being the 'face in the crowd'.
In this article I share with you six ways you can try to up your likeability quotient. None of them is rocket science. It's always been there right in front of you, very much visible and yet can be lost in sight due to life's complications and priorities.
This is just a reminder that they are always there for you to use.
Let me add a few disclaimers here!
Firstly - being likeable isn't necessarily universal. What I mean by that is - sometimes 'much liked people' can still often be disliked by others? It's OK. It's a normal scenario. Likeability is not a qualification, competition or a graded skill. There are no good, better, best levels for achieving this. The reaction of others is very dependent on their environment which not necessarily reflects you or your efforts. You already are liked.
Do keep in mind also that your likeability quotient is dependent on how you focus and handle 'dislike'.
Secondly - you're effort should be meant with the intent it is aimed for. Being likeable is not about a one way achievement for yourself. It has to mean something to the receiver. It's not just a lesson as much as it works as an emotion shared. It's just an act otherwise. It takes out the very likeability factor from the effort. Be real. Be genuine.
So let's start with the first:
SMILE
As the phrase goes: ''Lift the corners of your mouth'' - Smile.
Smiling is the starting point for likeability. It puts people at ease and draws them in. It's also contagious.
Did you know that in 1924 a grad student Carney Landis from the University of Minnesota conducted an unusual experiment that made us learn there are actually 19 types of Smiles?
Amazingly just 6 of these were happiness driven. Others were just masks to hide inner feelings.
Smile from within.
To start with, smiling makes you look good.
When you look good, you feel good. When you feel good, you feel more confident and ready to handle even the most arduous of tasks. When you smile, more often than less they smile back. When they smile, they look good. When they look good, they feel good. It's as simple as that. The wonders a smile can do.
Normally I am the smiley, cheerpy kind of guy, however on one of my more serious days when I was probably pre-occupied in thought - one of my colleagues asked me if I was angry? I was not.
Surprised... I told her so. She simply said: "then you might want to let your face know that because it looks like you are mad. It's intimidating and everyone are nervous."
Especially if are in a position of influence - your smile too is an influencer.
It is said that in a study of 'making the right first impression' - 7% accounted for the words spoken, 38% was the tone of the voice and a large 55% was attributed to Body language - Your smile included. It makes a world of a difference in any communication.
A Penn State University study confirmed that when we smile, we not only appear to be more likeable and courteous, but we're actually perceived to be more competent.
Smiling makes you instantly likeable. If you see someone without a smile - give them yours. You have plenty in stock.
REMEMBER THE NAMES OF PEOPLE
This isn't easy for many. I know this. It is one of my personal struggles. I remember faces, but I am terrible at remembering names. I guess it's an age thing in my case but it's something I can least afford in my line of work. Not only is it embarrassing but it's plain rude, especially if you know and have met the person before.
In the Digital Era of current times, we have grown more and more reliant on machines and the Internet as a substitute for flexing our memory. A research has shown this has greatly impacted our 'recall' mechanism. Just run through out loud, the number of phone numbers of your immediate family member you can recall?
My Grandfather lived in the days without Mobile phones and Internet. Right uptil the time he passed in his mid-90's, not only did he remember phone numbers but names as well. And I mean not just those of family, friends or colleagues, but even that of our local barber, grocer or pharmacist. He always addressed them by name.
Remembering and speaking a persons name can make someone feel instantly recognized and appreciated. Dale Carnegie once said - A persons name is to him or her the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
There are actually many documented techniques for remembering names. It is worth your time to look these up and try them. These include repeating names as often as you can. Try not to generalize a person when addressing him or her. Use the name as often as you can in a conversation or communication. For example, if someone introduces themselves to you as let's say 'Sarah', paraphrase the name in your reply, for example: "How may I help you, Sarah?" or "Hi Sarah, It's wonderful to meet you!" As you speak make a conscious effort to commit it to memory.
Psychologists and memory experts point out that one of the main reasons we forget someones name is, we are really not focused on learning it in the first place.
That's the trick - choose to care to remember.
When I was a kid, my little brother and I used to be very fascinated with our postman. Oh Yes - in those days he was a regular visitor to our home. We used to be the ones most excited to see him. He was from Tamil Nadu in South India and had a complicated name which as kids we couldn't even pronounce leave alone remember. It was G.Palanivel. Off-course thanks to our culture in India we always had the ready-to-use name "Uncle" at hand, but as we grew up, we realized it was a tad bit impersonal. Fortunately we adapted his name at an early stage as 'Uncle Pallu' making it easier to remember, recall and address and unwittingly also more personal. As years went by and we grew, that name was one we always remembered. Amazingly, the long-retired Uncle Pallu is still in touch with us even today.
Off-Course in a business or working environment we can't do this, but like this, there are many ways to commit to memory a name and recall it when needed. Just make a conscious effort and as said earlier, choose to care to remember.
LOOK PEOPLE IN THE EYE WHEN YOU SPEAK WITH THEM
Looking people in the eye - communicates interest and worth. People like to get that feeling.
My college professor never looked me in the eye when delivering a lecture. For that matter he didn't do so either at many other students in the class. For reasons best known to him, he characteristically always looked at this one student right through the entire lecture.
Needless to say it made us sometimes get a feeling of being under-valued. Our attention as such was not focused and we struggled to pick up the subject.
Another member of the 'body language family'- "Eye contact", is an easy and powerful way to make a person feel instantly recognized, understood and validated.
In a well highlighted study of some Universities, it was said: "if you want people to remember what you said long after you're done talking, maintain eye contact." It also makes your words more memorable.
Did you know that when using eye-contact with people, it can reflect honesty?
Paradoxically, liars tend to make more eye contact than truth tellers, but when confronted liars tend to look away.
Have you heard the adage "eyes are the windows of the soul?"
The eyes literally tell you more about a person that... well meets the eye.
Amazingly you can actually distinguish a fake smile from a real one simply by looking in the eye. The mouth shape of a smile is easy to fake but the eyes are a giveaway. When we smile truly from within, our eyes tend to crinkle, however when faked - since our focus is more on mouth, we tend to forget that our eyes aren't emoting.
Science actually tells us that actions and observations are closely related; and that we are soft-wired to experience another person's emotions as if we experiencing them. That's why eye contact acts sometimes as a tool to facilitate empathy. It provides us with the capacity to understand and react to others in an appropriate way.
When you speak with anyone, they need to feel the connection. They need to feel your attention is not an act, nor a formality but comes from a genuine interest in speaking or focusing on them. An interesting piece of stats I came by said, an average person typically uses 'eye contact' just 30-60% of the time, wherein one requires close to 60%-70% to be able to appropriately communicate care, attention and respect.
Looking someone in the eye should not be just about what it can do for you, but more importantly what it does for others. In a world our environment is clouded by distractions, sometimes we need to step back and refocus.
When looking someone in the eye there is a complete 'focus of your attention', shown. With that you will find many people actually focusing back into your eyes trying to read you; and in most cases a warmth, truth and tenderness is reflected back in what they see.
GENUINELY LIKE OTHERS
It's as simple as this, to be liked, you must like others too.
When I say 'other people', I don't just mean someone you meet or know. I mean everyone. Humanity. People in general.
Don't do it just because it's either your job, role or responsibility. Do it because you genuinely care. People matter. Their lives matter. You never know - it may one day intertwine with yours.
You don't have to know the other person, but just the step of getting to know them, should, in your mind, be the highlight of your interaction.
I know what you're probably thinking: "I don't care about people I don't know. In any case most people suck!"
Well - that's probably true - but you aren't immune to such an impression too.
Everyone experience and are entitled to their moments of weakness, rudeness or being annoying. So are you? It is the constantly changing environment around us that control these actions. Life has insecurities and worries which many try to mask using a rough exterior. Just like a coconut - hard on the outside, but actually soft from the inside. In general, people are nice.
Likeable people know this and so they like people, irrespective of who or how they are. Every interaction entered is with an expectation of a positive experience.
I have often found people who truly and genuinely wanted to be 'liked by others'. They go out of their way to be liked. The social media world is a glaring example of this. It's all about 'likes'. I found one episode in 'Black Mirror' to be very thought provoking wherein a person's success and future is dependent on the 'likes' he/she received by other through social media. Crazy and yet interesting a concept when we study our own reasons for actively using social media.
When a person's intention of 'liking others' is pure and genuine it automatically breaks way any barriers of prejudice and presumptions, making the task so much easier.
Likeability always starts with a 'like for others', before it can turn to 'liked by others'.
BE A POSITIVE PERSON
Let's face it - negativity abounds in our world. Sadly sometimes it's celebrated by acting as pure entertainment for many.
It's time we return positivity into our very being. Life should always be "the glass half full".
Look at our current world?
A world now defined by Covid-19. This pandemic probably has been one big negative force in our lives. Most discussions are about the loss of lives, economies, livelihood, inconveniences, restrictions and fear - just to name a few.
Whilst there is no denying the realities of this, there also is the other side of the same coin often overlooked and yet in your palm.
Hasn't Covid-19 also drastically impacted and revisited our relations with family? Haven't we been suddenly endowed with time, to do the many things we procrastinated on? Are not the skies clearer, the air cleaner? Hasn't technology actually helped us now making us more self-reliant and able to do things ourselves? Haven't we learnt that even small things matter?
How many social posts or news focused on these and many other similar positives that have also come out of Covid-19.
Be the change.
Be the one who see the positive as the obvious first. Be the light in an otherwise dark world. People are always attracted to light.
As brilliantly expressed by Australian Pastor & Theologian J. Sidlow Baxter: What is the difference between an obstacle and an opportunity?
The Answer? Our attitude towards it.
Every opportunity has difficulties and every difficulty has opportunities. It's all in how you perceive and handle it.
It is not just about speaking or writing positive, it's also about thinking positively. For example let's say it's raining! A positive outlook is you do not need to water the plants today, the good Lord did it for you. Or, it has been so hot these days, it will be cooler now.
Positivity will be that umbrella that will shield you from the rain.
I have often seen the Indian Cricket Team follow this wholesomely. A loss to them is always a learning experience. They never fret. They just come out stronger and give it a bit more the next time.
People get attracted to positive people mainly because of its rarity in current times.
ADDING VALUE TO OTHERS
Have you ever been in a situation, wherein you have a problem and you go to someone who whilst empathizing with you, goes on into a story of their own similar to yours?
You most always end up at the same point where you started or maybe even sometimes a step further back due to the added problem of your friend.
Add value by helping resolve a dilemma not creating new ones. It doesn't always have to be the perfect or right solution, but even a suggested solution sometimes helps channelize a person to think clearer, often helping facilitate a resolution.
Here are some other sides to value addition.
When you are with others, how often do you 'add' to the atmosphere? Are you bringing in the cheer?
When in a discussion, do you give constructive feedback or are you a silent nodder?
Do you immediately relate to situations when they happen, or are you oblivious to it?
You don't need a degree or course to learn value addition to people's lives. Did you know that simply introducing one person to another is a value add? Many long-lasting marriages today started with this very act.
Your presence in any environment should make a difference. When I say presence, I do not refer to the physical presence as much as to your emotional and intellectual presence. Having you by their side, must mean something to another. It can be a word, a deed, an emotion - anything, but it should make a difference.
Be it your favorite teacher from school or your favorite song - they became your favorite because they each added some kind of value to you. You looked and felt better when in their presence.
As I said in the opening of this article, "Be that someone who makes someone else feel like somebody".
CLOSING
To sum it all: be kind.
The world needs every bit of kindness today. There is no dearth of people out there reaching out for someone to like. Someone to have. Someone to hold.
You will find that when applied to its purest, you yourself will find a sense of peace enveloping your being which in itself will reflect in your positivity and ultimate likeable quotient.
Expert Tim Sanders defines in his book "Likeability Factor" as it having 4 characteristics: Friendliness (your ability to communicate liking and openness to others), Relevance (your capacity to connect with others interests, wants and needs), Empathy (your ability to recognize, acknowledge and experience other people's feelings) and Realness (the integrity that stands behind your likeability and guarantees its authenticity).
You already are a likeable person. Everyone is.
Let your likeability impact another more than it does for you.
Thank you for reading this.
I already like you.
