For the last several weeks, maybe even months I've been thinking about my life. I'm one year older now. Moving into the later years of my life.
I was married the first time at 18, two weeks after my 18th birthday as a matter a fact. Four years after we got married my husband joined the Marines and we moved to Southern California. I gave my heart to Jesus Christ and my life has literally never been the same. I'm so thankful for that day. I'm sure I would be dead or in a straight jacket now if I hadn't accepted Him as my personal savior.
The day I committed my life to the Lord I asked for two things. One was to have a baby or take the desire away. Nine months later I was pregnant. We only had one child. Our second one went to Heaven when I was eight weeks pregnant.
My husband and I were married for 18 ½ years and after that we just couldn't make it any longer. We were to young when we got married and we had absolutely nothing in common. After the divorce I really wanted to get married again. However, I wanted God's will more than I wanted my own will so it was one day short of 10 years after my divorce that I met my husband Peter.
I've known since the very early years of my salvation that I was called to teach, preach and share the Gospel message. I knew I was called into full time ministry and that I had at least three books on my heart to write.
But over the years I've tried to do what I felt like the Lord told me to do, but it just didn't seem to happen. You see I'm a perfectionist and if it's not perfect in my mind I don't want to do it. I'm not sure if that's been the only problem over the years. I was married to a man that wasn't a Christian and wanted nothing to do with me or my church. Then I was single and really struggled financially. Then I married my second husband and our finances weren't much better.
I've always had to work a full-time job and when I get off from work, I'm really mentally tired.
Are those excuses not to have done what God called me to do? ABSOLUTELY not. The problem that I'm wrestling with is this. Did God call me and I missed it all these years? I've been a Christian for a very long time. I've been in church all those years - I even graduated from a Bible School with a two-year degree.
What's my problem? Back to what I said in the beginning - I'm going into the winter season of my life. God where have I missed it? What have I done over the years wrong, or have I?
This verse Matthew 20:1-16 keeps coming back to me. If you don't know the parable of the penny, I will paraphrase it for you. A man owned a vineyard and he went to the place where people are standing around hoping to get work. He hires a bunch for a penny a day. Then he goes back at mid-day and hires some more, for a penny a day. Then really late in the day he hires the last bunch of them for once again a penny a day.
The people that have been working all day think oh well we must get more than a penny because we've worked harder and longer than anyone else. But no, they get their penny as well.
The owner of the vineyard basically tells them off and says you agreed to a penny - you got a penny. It's none of your business what I pay anyone else.
What does this mean to me? Simply put. This is probably the last third of my life. That's if I live to be 90. I've done a lot of things in my 40 year walk with the Lord. I taught Children's Ministry/Sunday School for 12 years. I have written a lot of Sunday School curriculum. I wrote a book about my life story; I'm working on a second book. I've worked to obey God in my own spiritual life. But my problem is this - is it good enough?
Is it good enough to be in your winter season and still going for the dream of being a full time Successful Self-Employed Writer, Author and International Seminar Speaker? Is it too late for me? Why didn't it happen sooner?
Maybe some of you are where I'm at. I can't take the lost years back. All I can do is repent if there is anything to be sorry for and to move on with God. It may be late in the day but I get the same Heavenly reward as someone that's been in full time ministry for the whole 40 years of their salvation.
Why can't I believe that?
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